Starting by storytelling.

SURFING COCAINE.
A tale of love, fear, darkness and water.
- By Christiane Eave

At first it felt like a wave was about to crush me to death, when I met him. There was something about his eyes, his energy, who he was inside, maybe. He was, is, and always will be, a powerful and beautiful force of nature; and when the wave finally came down, it didn't crush me, but thrust me violently within my own self to face the darkest places of my mind.

Oh, the demons! They tore me to pieces, screaming faces of distorted clowns grinning at me, tearing the fine cloth of repressed memories; and there it all was: jammed jaws, non-stop nights, vague eyes, the smell of the fumes of the burning white powder... cocaine blues, and reds, and greens, and blacks... and whites.

Those memories crumbled down over me. I knew this would most definitely kill me; but they didn't. They fell like empty boxes all around me revealing what lay beneath; the true nightmare, the demon himself: the raging bull. He was lying there patiently like a faithful dog, looking into my eyes... waiting. Would I face him this time? Or would I turn away escaping from this crude but now obvious reality? I chose to look back. The moment our eyes finally met he sucked me in. I became the bull.

Life then became a frenzy of music, booze, planes, parties, tour buses, back-stages, all access passes. I was now riding the wave as if I had ridden it my whole life; a huge wave, and the crest was made of bubbling exorbitant amounts of white dust. And I rode the wave as a true master, because I was never alone. He was with me every step of the way; holding my hand, preventing me from falling.

It didn't take me long to realize the truth: I was riding his board, always behind him, holding him close by the waist. His board, his life, his giant wave.

My life was borrowed; everything was borrowed except from one thing: the love that belonged to the both of us. It was so strong it shook my whole world. What could I possibly do now? Keep riding a borrowed life, with huge amounts of love but no life of my own, not even a speck of salt from my own waters? I walked the plank and with my eyes swollen from the night before, I jumped. I was drowning into depression... slowly drifting into oblivion.

The bull went back to the shadows, as again, I looked away.

Months of weed, frantic dancing, alcohol, drugs, sleep and TV went by; anything to keep me from thinking; anything to keep my vision blurred and my head out of focus.

Reality started to pile up heavily, hiding the animal from plain sight. I was safe again in my self built limbo.

Suddenly something started to change; a seed of flesh and blood inside my womb. Seven weeks passed and the inevitable truth crumbled down once again crushing me; sinking me to the very bottom of the ocean.

The time to make a choice had come; either to spend the rest of my life behind him, to become his beloved and protected shadow, but a mere ghost of what I could've been; or to face the monster once again and drop a pebble in my own puddle.

I opened my eyes. The animal had changed, evolved. I was now looking through the crystal-clear eyes of a lion, and the lion had to leave the golden bird cage to start a wave of its own.

Im soaking wet now, cold to the bone; but the water beneath my paws is warm, and the wave is starting to grow.

I feel a tropical storm coming, but today I am ready to wipe out the world.


NYC.
July 30th, 2008.